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The Raccoon Did It: A Tale of Two Kitties

Happily Ever After

How to implicate a raccoon in a staged kitty crime scene? 

By Michal Renau Rasmussen

I promised Aunt Ann I wouldn’t share this until she died, and that day arrived earlier than expected, so here goes.

Years ago, I boarded my horses at a tiny farm. 

There were feral cats everywhere and there was a litter of kittens born in my hay stall. One of the kittens was black and white-spotted, like a little cow. It was the only kitten we were able to really tame. When they were a couple of months old, a raccoon ate the entire litter of kittens up in the hay loft. 

Imagine my joy when I found that little black and white kitten hiding in my hay stall a little later. I called Aunt Ann and asked her to find it a home. I asked the farm owner if I could take the kitten. He said ‘no,’ that raccoons kept the feral cat population down and that was nature. 

I called my father (an attorney) and asked him if the farm owner “owned” the kitten. He said if the mother was wild, no, he did not own the kitten. 

Meanwhile, Aunt Ann had been telling me about a co-worker who got a cat from Death Row at the Humane Society. It had already been turned back in twice for aggression, and now it was attacking her two little girls. If they returned it, it would be destroyed. They were all wracked with guilt about the cat, but terrified of it all the same. 

I said,”Bring me that cat, give them this kitten.” I took my clippers and shaved hair from the black and white kitten, spread it in the hay loft, and told the farmer that the kitten was killed by the raccoon. 

Aunt Ann brought the Death Row Kitty to our farm to try his hand at being a Barn Cat. 

The kitten was named Moo and lived happily ever after as the Perfect Cat for a very happy family. They used to send me pictures of Moo, all dressed up in feather boas having tea parties with the little girls. That cat lived a blessed life. 

After a week as a barn cat, Death Row Kitty hitched a ride home with one of my husband’s interns (her name was Cat) and lived happily ever after, too. 

Today’s Answer to ‘What Would Aunt Ann Do’ — save both cats, because everyone deserves a chance at happily ever after.

This article also appears on page 9 of the February 2023 print edition of Ace Magazine. To subscribe to digital delivery of Ace, click here.